New Day!

Today is a new day...that sort of things happens you know. Life...it just keeps going and moving all around you. Yesterday I told my best friend Kim that it, "felt like the world was spinning around me". Like I'm here on my own little island standing still looking out at everything spinning endlessly. I haven't cried again since I talked to her on the phone. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

Last night I would say I was thoroughly depressed - didn't want to eat, but was craving all types of food - wanted to keep myself busy, but didn't want to go out - wanted to lay down, but knew I wouldn't sleep - had a headache, but the thought that I could take meds now made me mad - wanted to be with kids, but everything they did reminds me of the one lost.

I did go around and remove all signs of baby yesterday. It was something I just needed to do. Took the ultrasound picture off the frig and the mirror in my room. Threw the hospital handbook away that was in the dining room. Changed the blog header and my FB photo. Last night Jack kept bringing us The Berenstain Bear books that were all about Mama Bear having babies. I immediately told Michael to, "get those outta here!" This morning I noticed the wedge pillow my friend Jen lent me to use when my belly got bigger. I tucked that away in my closet. Oh my closet...not ready to face all the maternity clothes yet. Literally almost all my regular clothes are in a storage tub in the garage so I'll need to do it sometime soon, but not today.

I'm finding it hard to even look at myself. Seeing the little bump that just a day ago was a joyful thing now is just like getting slapped in the face with reed....it stings!

I have two babies in heaven now! It's really unfathomable that this is happening...again! I did refer to this baby as #4 even though we miscarried our first pregnancy - Brayden. I do have a hard time thinking of Brayden as being here. See if Brayden had been born then Owen could have never been and THAT is too much to bear! For me it's like we got a mulligan with having kids after we lost Brayden. After we lost Brayden I needed to get help so I went to a therapist and she suggested that naming the baby would give us closure. Kind of ironic that just last Friday (1 week ago) I started going back to the same therapist. I'm sure we'll name this baby too. I can't just call it "Baby #4 or it".

We are going to have testing done on the baby's tissue. I'm going to ask if they can find out the sex for me. I'm pretty sure it was a girl, but I'd like to be 100%. With Brayden I just had a feeling it was a boy so that's why we chose a boys name.

Today I'm going to keep myself busy...I feel like that's the best. I'm going to try to keep myself from getting another roaring headache. Life goes on...day by day...and this is just another one!

There Will Be A Day With No More Tears!

Today has been a sad day at the Martin household. It started out good...got the kids up and they watched George before we headed out for my second Dr's appt. We picked up Ga-Ga downtown so she could watch the kids while I was in my appt. After waiting forever the Dr came in and we chatted for a bit and then it was time to listen to the heartbeat...there was none!

We went across the hall to confirm with an ultrasound and sure enough...there was a little baby in there, but no heart was beating. The baby measured around 10 weeks 4 days and I should be 13 weeks 3 days now. The Dr wanted me to go over to the Radiologist to get a more in-depth ultrasound to confirm absolutely that the baby had died.

I went out in the hallway where Ga-Ga was with the kids and just started crying. Then I called Michael so he could come meet us. My appt with the Radiologist was at 11:30 and they did confirm that the baby had died. Then it was back to the OBGYN's office to set up a D & C. I should be having one on Monday morning...still waiting for a call back though.

Tears have fallen today...I wanted this baby...I yearned for this baby, but inside I did know something was a little off. I'm not sure how or if I can explain it. I know that I brushed it off as my normal jitters that I feel since I have had a miscarriage before, but normally those jitters go away after I see the baby at the first ultrasound...these stuck around. I thought I was just letting the enemy get to me and I kept pushing them away, but I couldn't bring myself to write the baby's due date on the calendar. I'm still pretty much in shock and for me writing it out helps.

I'm mad at myself for telling the world and now having to "untell". I'm mad that my whole year was planned out and that baby was coming this fall and now that's all changed. I'm mad that my closet is full of maternity clothes that I was going to grow into and now I'm not. It's almost harder this time around the first miscarriage we didn't know what we were missing. We didn't know what it was like to hold a newborn that was ours and get to take it home and watch it grow and develop. This time around we do! I KNOW what I'm missing!

We were also very open with the kids. The boys especially were so excited...it was table conversation quite frequently. Now they know that the baby died and is in heaven. Their sweet innocence is so precious! I told Michael that if we do ever get pregnant again there will always be that feeling of a gap between Ella and the next...that known space where the 4th baby should have been, but isn't. My brain goes all over the place when I'm in shock.

The difference this time around is I'm not mad at God. When the Dr was trying to find the heartbeat I kept thinking, please God...please. Then after a minute or so later I thought, Your will...not mine! He has a plan to prosper me and not to hurt me. We live in a fallen world where sin, sickness and death run rampant, but There Will Be A Day With No More Tears!!! Oh I long for that day!

This Moment Of Peace & Quiet Is Brought To You By...

Scissors & Styrofoam!!

The boys asked to play with their scissors out in the garage and I didn't have a problem with that. Owen has been practicing cutting scraps of paper so I gave him and Jack a piece each. Then it had been quiet for awhile so I decided to go check on them.

There was one last box of packing material from the boys bunk bed and they found it. They had so much fun making a big mess.

Of course Ella wanted to join in and she did by using one of the kids forks from their kitchen set. There is a downside to giving your kids scissors...did you know that? Yeah we've had the whole...'you don't ever cut your hair or anyone elses hair' talk now! Good times!!!

Resurrection Sunday!

On Resurrection Sunday we got up and went to the early service at church. Yes....we got 3 kids to church at 8am!!! They had Pop Tarts for breakfast so it wasn't really that hard! :)

Ga-Ga & Pa joined us at church. After the first service our church has breakfast together. This year they changed things up a bit and instead of having all of us stand in line they served us and it was SO great. There was practically no waiting for your food and everything was just great! After church we headed down to Ga-Ga & Pa's house.

The kids got their Easter baskets/buckets. They were PACKED!!!


These kids were spoiled rotten!


Ella loved her bunny and her baby doll that giggles.




After a while the rain clouds passed by and the boys asked Pa to go outside and play with them. They love to get out in the backyard whenever they can. Unfortunately Ga-Ga & Pa's backyard is so marshy they can't play out there much during the winter months. It's nice that the weather is getting better because they love it.


I love the boys colorful outfits that I dressed them in. I literally didn't even pick them out until Friday morning. I had no idea if I even had any spring like outfits for them, but then when I loved I found these two sweater vests. My friend Kim let me borrow the long white sleeve shirt Jack is wearing since I didn't have another one for Jack.

This is the face I get when I ask her to say cheese. If you click on the picture you can see her cute little chipped tooth...it happened a few weeks back and were not sure how. At least it's a baby tooth.

Happy giggly girl!!!

After dinner we had the kids wait in the family room while I "hid" the eggs in the living and dining room. Since their baskets were so full of candy and toys we just had them use plastic bags to collect their eggs.

Owen is really good at finding the ones that are actually hidden.

Jack is good at finding the ones out in the open and he did get some help with a few.

Getting the good stuff out!

Other than pop tarts for breakfast, pancakes and bacon at church and rolls during dinner the boys pretty much just ate candy yesterday. We only let them do this two times a year...on Halloween and Easter.

We did talk about the REAL reason we celebrate Easter. On Good Friday we talked about how that was the day that Jesus died on the cross and how on Easter Sunday he raised from the dead and conquered death. One thing I've learned as a mom is if you can make it sound manly they will listen more and the fact that Jesus beat death down and didn't let it hold him that's cool! On Monday morning Jack said, "Jesus didn't die on the cross", to which I said, "Yes, he did", then he said, "but he didn't stay dead!" It's sinking in....so awesome!

Egg Hunt!

On Saturday morning we took the kids over to the BPPC Spring Celebration. Boulevard Park Presbyterian Church (BPPC) is the church where my MOPS group meets. This was the first time we've ever taken our kids to an Easter Egg Hunt. But it was SO much more than just that!

They had all sorts of events set up for the kids....bubbles...coloring stations...carnival games...and more!

They had the egg hunt set up by age groups. I took Jack and Ella over for the 0 - 3 age group. I got Ella out of the stroller, but she just kept falling over because the ground wasn't flat so I put her back in when the egg hunt was actually going on.


When they did open the egg hunt it was chaos and it was over like *snap* that! :)

Jack ended up getting one egg and a peanut butter cup. He was really happy about it except he really wanted a green egg.

Owen's age group started 5 minutes after Jack and Ella's so I got there just as they were running out. Daddy had a good strategy...he had Owen run ahead of the pack in hopes that it would take them a while to get the eggs right in the front. Owen ended up getting 5 or 6 eggs.

Checking out what they got inside their eggs. One of the cool things they did was if you recycled your eggs they would give you more candy...loved that!

Since the celebration was right across the street from the church at a local park the boys also go to play on the playground. Jack really wanted to swing and I wasn't thinking he would get to since there were SO many kids there, but one finally opened up. He swung on it for about 30 seconds!

Owen loves these slides for the older kids. Michael was watching him go down and he said he did a better job than some of the older kids.

On top of fun games and an egg hunt there were also refreshments. We had donuts, fruit, juice boxes and popcorn. Did I mention the whole event was FREE! Ella is our cute little popcorn eater. I swear I would have never let Owen eat popcorn this young...she's been eating it for months now, but I guess that's what happens when it's your third child!

The boys also got to enjoy the bounce house...for a little while that is. Daddy had told Owen that when he was ALL done with bouncing that's when he needed to come down the slide, but he didn't really get it. After bouncing for about 2 or 3 minutes he went down the slide and said he wanted to go again. Sorry dude...we are not standing in that line again!

After that we were all kind of a little tired and ready to. We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day to be outside celebrating with the kids.

This was my view on the walk back to the car....what a tough life! ;)

Glimpse Into The Future!

Even though it's not physically possible that Logan and Ella could be sisters (They are only 8 months apart and were both full term babies) it's been fun to experience day to day (Mon - Wed) life with 4 kids. This is what it will be like all the time come October....4 kids 4 and under! YIKES!!! :) :) :) :)

On Wednesday Logan's schedule worked out so she actually got to eat lunch at the same time we did. She's only been eating baby food for two weeks so we are still working on getting into a rhythm with it. After I took this picture I noticed the bib I put on her says, 'Chick Magnet'...oops!

Later on in the day we had a picnic for dinner. This was the first time I've taken Logan outside with the kids and she seemed to like it. I'm looking forward to more and more days of hanging out in the yard with all the kids.

Catch!

Last Saturday we took advantage of the nice weather (it was a bit windy though) and went to the park down by the waterfront. This was really the first time Ella has been on a slide. Last summer she was still to small for this sort of thing. Now she is all over doing whatever the boys do. The below video is of her pushing herself down the slide she was a little apprehensive since the first time she went down...

this happen! If you are checking this on FB click here to see the videos.

Don't worry she wasn't hurt at all! She's one tough chick!

Silly Sticky Bunch!

It started out with Sissy Girl deciding to sit in the Bumbo that I sit Logan in when I feed her baby food. I figured it was a good place to "keep" Ella while she ate these fruit chewy things that Ga-Ga got the kids.

Then I asked the boys to sit next to Ella so we could get a group shot.

Didn't really dawn on me that getting a good picture would be next to impossible with them eating chewy, stick in your teeth candy.


This was about the best I got....for some reason the look Owen has on his face reminds me of Christopher Lloyd as Uncle Fester in the Addam's Family.



Then I just decided to go with it and asked the boys to smooch Sissy!

I think Jack might be wiping off Ella's kiss...even though HE was the one that gave her a kiss. Ella is trying to kiss Owen back and he wanted nothing to do with it.

Silly kiddos!

These silly fun moments are good for the soul!

Bling!

I think when I was pregnant with Ella my Mom and Dad went on vacation and they came home with gifts for all of us including Ella in my belly. Ga-Ga got her a bracelet. It's been hanging on her hutch waiting for her wrist to be big enough. Well I almost forgot about it! Last Friday I remembered it and put it on her and it fits perfectly. Ella wasn't too sure what to think about it...she played with it a little at first, but then she forgot about it.

We had to go to the WIC office that day and it ended up falling off at the office, but luckily I noticed and put it back on her. I was a little concerned about it falling off since it's the kind that screws together so I did take it off when she napped. She still sucks her thumb during nap time so I didn't want it to come off and her have a chance to choke on it.

It's so fun to think that we'll get to go to girly shops when she gets older and get her pretty accessories to go with her outfits. I'm not a huge fan of lots of jewelry, but I do like staples and every once in a while I like to wear more for special occasions.

Silly Faces!

With Owen not napping everyday anymore I'm trying to spend some quality time with him while the other are sleeping. The other day he wanted me to play with him and I thought it might be fun to make faces and take pictures. He LOVES to see his picture on the camera!

My favorite!

Ahhhh!!!!



Growling....Roar!!! Love how he turned his head so you get the side view!

We are sleeping and snoring!

Zombie look!

It's fun being silly with my big boy!

These Are The Days....

to run around in the green grass...

to dig big holes in the ground...

to take your animals skateboarding...


to soak up some Vitamin D!

Yep....these are the days to get outside and enjoy life!