Emotions!

So Saturday was not one of my finest days to say the least. I'm going to document this just because I want to be able to look back and hopefully (crossing my fingers) laugh at myself one day and maybe understand my emotions a little better.

First off we are all still getting accustomed to Michael's new work schedule (the word schedule is used lightly here because it seems like everyday is different) so that is one of the factors that came into play. I didn't even actually remember it was Saturday until lunch time because to me we don't have a Saturday at our house anymore. Depressing for sure!

The second thing that contributed to me having a meltdown was the fact that I called T-Mobile to find out if we could cancel Michael's phone and not incur any charges. See back when Michael got laid off that very same day we headed to T-Mobile to get him a phone because the phone he had was a business phone and he had to turn it in. Since I'm pregnant there was NO WAY he could not have a phone and since I have a plan with T-Mobile we naturally would just add him to that. Well I figured since my phone was the main phone and his was added that we could cancel his and it wouldn't make a difference. Of course it can't be THAT easy. His phone was also added to the 2 year contract like mine so if we cancel it we would have to pay $200 for breaking the contract. Why would you want to cancel it you say? Because for Michael's new job he really needs an IPhone. Almost everyone in the office has one and Michael's gotten to see all the ways it really helps with the job. The company he works for actually paid a ton of money to have a special app made specifically for the IPhone. I know you can buy an IPhone and have it unlocked and use it with a different carrier, but the phone costs around $500 rather than $99 if you buy it and have a contract with AT&T. I don't know about you, but I have had some really awful experiences with business like T-Mobile and Comcast and it just sets me off. I feel like they aren't really there to help you (which they aren't they are there to make money) and most of the time they come off being so rude.

The third thing contributing to me having a meltdown on Saturday is the fact that I have a 3 year old toddler. Enough said right! It was lunch time and I had just gotten off the phone with T-Mobile and I put lunch in front of the boys and Owen was immediately done. It's not like I tried to feed him brussell sprouts either. I offered him hot dogs and top ramon! It's just frustrating when you take the time to make food and then he won't eat! I know it's not hard to make hot dogs and top ramon, but it was just the straw that broke the camels back per se. I told Owen he could get down mainly because forcing him to stay doesn't do any good and I had had enough and just needed him to leave the room. Of course once Owen is done Jack is done too because he HAS to be doing whatever Bubba is. So I just sat at the table and started crying. I mean tears falling from my eyes crying. Once the boys noticed that I was crying they wanted to be right there and Owen was saying, "Mama sad...mama be happy!" Of course I just wanted to be left alone to cry by myself for a minute so I tried to shut myself in my bedroom, but that just led to the boys crying outside my bedroom door so I let them in. By the time naptime rolled around I think I had been crying for about an hour. My eyes were swollen and super red.

Later on in the evening Michael came home and I was trying to put together a puzzle with Owen and Jack kept destroying it of course...he is 20 months old! Then Jack was just crawling all over me and I just about had it. As a mother you are CONSTANTLY being touched and sometimes I just want to NOT be touched and this was one of those time. So I got mad, started crying and headed upstairs to cry in the dark. Thankfully since Michael was home the boys didn't follow me this time.

After the boys went to bed I was craving something and I finally figured it out. I asked Michael to go to Jack in the Box and get me 2 tacos with 6 hot sauces and a piece of cheesecake. I love their tacos, but for me it's really all about the hot sauce. He was so sweet and went out for me, but when he got home I looked in the bag and there were NO hot sauces. I didn't really understand why Michael wouldn't look in the bag before driving away and make sure they actually put the hot sauces in it. I always do that for him when I get sweet and sour sauce for his Chicken Nuggets, but maybe that's just me. There have been too many times where fast food places have forgotten to put things in my bag so I don't just trust that my order is right...ever! Anyways I ended up going downstairs and crying all over again. Of course Michael followed me...he wanted to hug me and that was a BAD idea. I didn't want to be touched remember. So I sat in the playroom in the dark crying and trying to explain my feelings and why I was being so emotional.

So why was I being so emotional....I think the biggest thing is right now I'm feeling very overwhelmed! Overwhelmed with Michael's new job, overwhelmed with trying to keep the house clean, overwhelmed with trying to play with the boys and not feeling like I really can because lets face it I can barely move, overwhelmed with the fact that Ella is going to be here in less than a month, overwhelmed with feelings like I'm a failure as a mom and if I can't handle two how in the world am I going to handle three, overwhelmed with all the things I want to get done BEFORE Ella comes, but knowing that I can't really do them, but Michael's not home all the time anymore to get them done, overwhelmed with the fact that we've all been sick for what seems like forever and I just want to feel good...just plain overwhelmed! I also started to feel guilty for crying and being such a baby when I'm sure every other mother has gone through this at one point or another.

I know that some of my emotions were stirred up just because I have pregnant hormones running through me, but at the same time I don't think the explaination is that easy. After each of the boys were born I had a little bit of the baby blues. With Owen I was so emotional over the fact that Michael was going to miss things that in the beginning I cried every time something big happened with Owen and Michael was at work. With Jack he was around 6 weeks old and still wasn't sleeping good and I was so exhausted and emotional over that. This time around I'm wondering if you can have prepardem blues rather that postpardem blues. Who knows! I haven't looked it up online.

On Sunday my mom and I got to have our girls day and Michael had the boys all day. It was really nice for me to recharge my batteries and be out for the whole day and I think it was really good for the boys to be with their Daddy all day too. Today has been much better...I haven't shed a tear and the boys and I have had a really good time together. I think part of my problem is I just push myself too hard. I like to be able to do things myself and I have certain expectations that I should be able to do things just the same even though I'm almost 9 months pregnant. I know that's silly, but I don't really like to depend on other people. I do love it when friends and family come over and visit and help out, but I just don't want them to feel like they HAVE to. The thing is after the baby is born I'm always so much easier on myself and I gladly except help and slow things way down. Weird I know!