Renewed!

Let me start by saying this is mainly going to be for my own recollection, but if you or anyone you know struggles with depression I hope it might help you know that you're not alone!

My first experience with depression began back in 2011...Michael had been laid off for 15 months, I started watching Logan, Michael got his job at the Water District and then I miscarried Kyan. Just typing this out bring emotions flooding back. It was a very difficult time in my life. Through Michael's work I was able to see a therapist 8 times for free. I also went to my doctor and said something has to change. I was not myself...I was mean! I would scream at the kids for simple things. I was angry all the time. I remember one time with the kids they weren't doing something I wanted them to do...you know being kids and I literally screamed and jumping up and down like a two year old having a tantrum! My doctor prescribed one anti-depressant...I can't remember the name...it starts with a D! It worked a bit. It took the edge off of my aggression at least. Things started to get better and calmer.

After a month though I went back to talk to the doctor because the D meds I was on was considered a Class C drug which means it might cause birth defects and we wanted to try for another baby. My doctor put me on Zoloft instead. I was concerned about Zoloft since I had heard mixed reviews such as weight gain and sexual side effects. I definitely did not want to start gaining weight...as if I wasn't depressed enough already!

The Zoloft was working well, but my doctor did not want me to try to get pregnant for 3 months. Now if you know me you know I'm a planner and that meant we couldn't try until October which meant we would have a baby in July and then we would be going to Wyoming in August. I did not want that. I also knew if we didn't get pregnant in October and tried in November or December, I would be all huge and pregnant in Wyoming! So we would have to wait to try again until January or February. But I wanted to have a baby NOW! I remember telling Michael in the bathroom...."We are going against doctors orders and trying in September!" I got pregnant on September 14th!

Since I was pregnant and hormonal my doctor did not want me going off my anti-depressant while I was pregnant. See my depression was classified as situational depression...since all those crazy life things happened at the same time and I wasn't normally like that. The doctor figured that after I had the baby I would stay on the pills until my hormones leveled out and then I could wean myself off the meds.

After Zeke was born I just kept on taking the pills. I was eager to get off them, but I was also afraid of how my body would respond. We decided to wait to wean me off the pills once I started taking birth control pills. You know my feelings on birth control pills if you've read my post here. I'm not looking to get in a debate about my feelings....to each their own! Anyways after Michael had his vasectomy I started taking full blown birth control...before that I was taking the mini pill and we were being careful.

This summer I went back to the doctor and we both decided that I would wean myself off the pills. At first I just lowered myself to half a pill...I did that for about 2 weeks. I didn't feel too bad. Then I completely stopped taking them. About 2 weeks later my life became hell! At least that's the way I saw it. I felt like my life was awful and nothing was good. I was determined to start my day off good and have a good attitude, but then I'd walk out my bedroom door. I was fine when I was away from home...at MOPS and Church. I put on a happy face after all I have it all together. When inside I felt miserable! I was so angry all the time at everything...the driver in front of me, my life, the kids. Oh the kids! They took the brunt of it! I would get so angry at the silliest thing! Just last Thursday Owen was being silly and he wasn't ready on time for the school and I was so angry at him. I was yelling and I ended up making him cry. It breaks my heart to think that the words that came out of my mouth could hurt my baby boy. When we drove to the bus stop I talked to the kids and told them that Mommy was having a hard time and I was going to the doctor to get things figured out. I then asked for forgiveness and my beautiful children so graciously forgave me for acting awful.

That same day I had a doctors appointment to talk about getting back on anti-depressants. My appointment went well and this time around my doctor put me on Welbutrin....well the generic version. On Friday I took my first dose and about 3 hours later I felt really nauseas then I went to start dinner and I felt so dizzy I thought I was going to pass out. I got to thinking it might be the pills. I grabbed that paper that the pharmacists gives you with the side effects on it and I realized I was feeling almost all of them. On top of the first two symptoms I was also feeling jittery, my heart was pounding and I was feeling hopeless. I ended up going upstairs and laying down in bed which if you have kids you know this act turns you into frig and they are the magnets. I told the kids I wasn't feel well and Daddy would finish making dinner when he got home. I just basically felt like I'd been hit by a truck.

After dinner I did start to feel better, but I was afraid to take my next pill. I had no idea if I was going to feel like that every time! I decided to take the next pill since I would be taking it at night so if I did have those symptoms again I would be asleep. Thankfully I never woke up feeling icky. On Saturday morning I was hesitant to take another one, but I gave it a go and I didn't feel horrible....a little jittery.

Then yesterday happened and I get emotional thinking about it. It was a WONDERFUL day. I honestly can't remember the last time I can truly say I had a wonderful day!! 

Today is more of the same....my patience is high, I have no desire to yell at my children, I'm not running around like crazy because we're running late. Overall I would say I feel calm! At the same time I can cry!!! This is something I could NOT do on Zoloft. I don't care how sappy of a Hallmark movie it was or how beautiful the bride looked in her wedding dress not a drop was coming out of my eyes. I couldn't not be emotional! I was very flat and to the point. On the other end of the spectrum I didn't really laugh either. I didn't find anything funny. Yesterday I took pleasure in the littlest things and I laughed! There was joy in heart! I did not know how far I had slid down this slippery slope of depression, but now that I'm feeling like myself again I know....I was far down there! 

The only side effect that has stuck around so far is the jittery feeling I have. My hands shake a bit more than they do normally....I have a tremor. I'm hoping that after being on the meds for a while that will subside. In a month I go back to my doctor to see how I'm doing. As of right now I would say I'm doing wonderful! 

Depression is one of the taboo diseases...you can't take blood and find out, "Oh you have depression!" Some people don't understand and some do. I wish I didn't have to take meds, but I'm so happy they are available to me. I have a disease and it needs to be treated just like diabetes or a thyroid condition. Will I always be on Welbutrin....I hope not! But I want to be the best wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend I can be and if that means I need to take meds...so be it! 

That Was One Awesome Tooth!

After a week of letting Owen's tooth "grow" money it was time to see how much money it grew!

 

 

 

Posing with this cup o' money!

 

 

After draining the water we dumping out the money on a towel and then counted it up. In all Owen's third tooth grew him exactly $6!!! Take that tooth fairy!

 

Do the Puyallup!

We don't normally go to the Puyallup fair every year...usually every other year, but after scoring some free tickets we decided that we would go. We originally wanted to go on Thursday after the kids got off school, but Michael wasn't able to get off work early that day. It turned out we would only be able to go on the last day.

 

 

On Sunday we went to church early and then headed out for the fair. Yes it was raining, but that doesn't stop a true Washingtonian!

 

 

We all have raincoats and the kids have muddy boots so we were prepared!

 

 

I love this look on Ella's face...."What in the heck have they gotten me in to!"

 

We told the kids that because of the rain we would NOT be going on any rides. There is nothing fun about sitting down on a ride that's already soaking wet to then get stuck on the ride while it's pouring down rain. I'm speaking from experience...no fun! We told the kids we were just there to check out the animals and eat some yummy food!

 

 

Michael getting to enjoy his favorite...an Elephant Ear! So good!!!!

 

 

Zeke wasn't sure about the elephant ear at first, but thankfully he came to his senses and reconsidered!

 

 

Ella knows a good thing when she tastes it though!

 

 

Owen has a cold so he wasn't really wanting to eat much so he didn't share in the yummy goodness.

 

 

Jack was loving the cinnamon and sugar tastiness too!

 

 

Once we were done with our first snack we headed to the barn where the kids got to the pet some animals.

 

 

Bunny!

 

 

I had a nice conversation with the lady holding the bunny and found out that they only let the little animals be out for one hour and then they get to have a break. They also look for any signs of apprehension and will let the animals have a break earlier if they need it.  

 

 

Goats! The bigger animals get to be in the petting area for 2 hours before having a break.

 

 

Naked Neck Chicken...Owen was the only one that wanted to pet the chicken.

 

 

My favorite! The baby piggies! So cute! Those pigs are so cute trying to eat...they just rub around on her nipples. Seriously I've nursing 4 babies, but not all at one time and watching this mommy pig nurse 8 babies at once made my boobies hurt! These babies were only 5 days only!

 

 

These babies were 11 days old...love how those ones on the bottom were spooning!

 

 

This is when Michael took the kids to see the horses and I got to enjoy my chicken gyro! Right after this picture the sky really opened up and it started pouring. We decided we would get the rest of the food yummies we wanted and then head out.

 

 

Michael got to enjoy his HOT roasted corn on the cob! And we got the kids a monster bag of...

 

 

Cotton...

 

 

Candy!

 

 

By the time we got back to the van we were soaked! But the best part was hearing the kids say they had a good time!

Stratego!

 

A few nights ago Michael and Owen were playing Stratego...a game that Owen loves to play. He's hilarious when he plays it though because he just can't keep the location of his flag a secret. He's always spilling the beans and saying things like, "You don't know what's between these two bombs!" Oh really???? :)

 

He also has made some funny choices in regards to the placement of his pieces. One time he got all his pieces ready...which takes FOREVER and then it was time for him to move and he's looking all around at the 6 different pieces that can be moved first and then he looked at Daddy and said, "You got first!". That's when Michael laughed and said, "You put all bombs on your front line didn't you?" Sure did! Needless to say he couldn't move anywhere so Daddy let him rearrange his pieces!

 

Anyways after months of playing, the other night Owen beat his Daddy for the first time! We decided long ago to not let our kids win at games. They have to work at it and learn the rules and the strategy and they need to win fair and square. It hasn't been an easy journey, but the fact that Owen won and he won all on his own makes the win that much more sweeter!

More Excitement!

As if we didn't have enough excitement the night before Jack started school!!! After we got the kids to bed Michael and I were downstairs watching a movie and I heard someone upstairs in the bathroom. I called up asking who was up and Owen answered back that his loose tooth was bleeding. He'd been biting his sheets...who knows...and it snagged his tooth and pulled it enough to make it bleed.

 

 

I went upstairs to check on it and realized it was time for it to come out.

 

 

At first Michael gave it a go, but since the tooth is located on the side it was hard to just grab the loose tooth.

 

 

Owen tried to get it out himself. He was actually really brave about the whole thing.

 

 

He couldn't get it either. So I gave it a shot and just bent it forward and out it came.

 

 

Daddy was ready with a cup to put the tooth in so it can "grow" money!

 

 

Happy boy!

 

 

Third lost tooth!

 

One of his top teeth is loose too. Soon he's going to look like a hillbilly with those missing teeth!

Jack's First Day Of School!

On Thursday when I registered Jack for school I was shocked that they said he could start the next day. I figured they would just have him on Monday. It was actually great though because he got a taste of school and then had two days off! Of course he got to have all the same first day of school pictures that Owen had just a little more than a week ago.

 

 

Jack in his special shirt I made him....he said, "It looks like a dress!"

 

 

Cute boy that does not like to show his teeth when he smiles!

 

 

1st Day of Kindergarten!

 

 

The big kids...Zeke was still inside eating breakfast!

 

 

All ready to go with his backpack on!

 

 

It was nice that Aunt Stephie & Uncle Ry had bought Jack a backpack a couple years ago for his birthday so I didn't need to buy him a new one!

 

 

The school boys ready to go!

 

 

I wasn't sure how Ella was going to handle both the boys being gone after she had a meltdown when Owen went to school. She actually did really great though and we had a wonderful day together!

 

 

Due to my weekend plans I needed to have the car so that meant Michael had to drive the van to work on Friday. I didn't want Jack to ride the bus to school for his first day so we had to walk all the way to school. We walked Owen on his first day, but drove to the ACE Hardware that's down the rode a bit and walked from there. This time we had to walk the whole way.

 

 

Instead of going through our neighborhood the kids and I walked down the service road out to the main road. Once we got to the main road we saw the kids bus turn to go down to our neighborhood. Shortly after that Owen was literally sitting on the sidewalk saying he couldn't go on! Dramatic much!!! Anyways I started motivating him by saying we needed to try to beat his bus. Once he saw his bus coming down the road he started running and we did end up beating the bus! I looked like a big hot mess for the rest of the day since there was misting rain, it was humid out and I was sweating. It wasn't pretty folks, but it was worth it!

 

 

Jack's classroom is literally right next door to Owen's classroom.

 

 

The morning of his first day Jack and I had a talk about him and his grumpy face. He's really good at making grumpy face. He does it when he's nervous, mad, tired and all of the above. A lot of time it's because he's sizing a person up, or he's not sure what someone is doing. We talked about the kids in his class and his teacher and how they might think he's not friendly if he does grumpy face all the time.

 

 

Here's Jack's teacher Ms. Richardson! I didn't really get a chance to talk to her very much since to them it wasn't the first day and class needed to just get started. That's probably the only thing I'm bummed about with Jack starting later than everyone else. It will be fun to get a chance to chat with her more in the future.

 

 

Once all the kids were in the classroom I peeked in and snapped a picture. Jack is at the table in the back of the class.

 

After this I got to chat with Owen's teacher Ms. McConnell and I just already love her! I could chat with her all day. I'm really looking forward to getting to volunteer in Owen & Jack's classroom!

 

 

On Friday afternoon I was scheduled to leave for a weekend away with my MOPS leadership team at 2pm, but that meant I would miss Jack getting off the bus for the first time and I would get to snuggle him and find out about his first day in person. Anyways that wasn't going to happen so Kim and I just left later and it actually worked out better!

 

 

Owen got off the bus first and the first thing I notice is Jack's not behind him. I thought they would be suction cupped together and that's when for a split second I thought that Jack might not have gotten on the correct bus.

 

 

Thankfully that fear was quickly resolved! Jack jumped off the bus holding his green piece of paper telling me that he stay on green all day long! So proud! He also told me he had homework to do and he liked recess! Oh and he told me he didn't eat his applesauce! It's fun to hear about the things that stick out in his mind.

 

This weekend he did have homework. He had to write his name a total of 8 times, we had to read 5 books to him, he had to draw a picture of his family, a picture of what it's like to read a book and a picture of what happens when the chimes go off in the classroom. It was actually a full week of homework so normally we'd have a whole week to get that done! It's kind of crazy that kindergartner's have homework!

 

I'm so proud of my Jackson and I can't wait to see how he grows, learns and develops over this next year at school!

This boy....

is bound and determined...

 

 

to be our first child...

 

 

to break a bone!

 

 

 He is so adventurous and fearless!

 

 

And what's more fun than standing on top of a picnic table and growling???

 

 

Maybe standing on top of a picnic table and kissing Mommy!!!

 

 

And to prove my point...a few days later Zeke was sitting on a kiddie chair at Ga-Ga & Pa's and he pitched forward into the concrete stairs and smashed his face.

 

 

This is what he looked like the morning after.

 

 

And this is two days after! The boy....