So in light of Robin Williams I thought it was time for an update on my depression. Also I feel like God has given me this as a part of my story and if I can help one person who is struggling with depression or help educate others that it will be worth it.
My most recent struggles happened around the middle of July. There was one morning where I was just a ball of emotion. It had to do with numerous things....for one the kids were acting extra naughty and treating each other like garbage and Michael had been working and working and working. It was a Saturday and we had 3 parties to go to. The morning party I knew Michael wasn't going to make it to, but the other afternoon parties I wasn't sure about. One thing led to another and I was crying in my bedroom. When I say crying I mean on the floor sobbing my eyes out. I had felt like I needed to cry for a couple days and I had been suppressing it to the point where I couldn't hold back the tears. Of course the kids are thinking mommy has gone off the deep end! At that moment I had just pretty much given up on my parenting. I was sure I was raising juvenile delinquents and nothing I did made a difference. Of course those are all lies, but when you are in a pit of despair it's hard to climb out. I knew that getting out of the house would be my saving grace so some how we got ready and were only late by about a half and hour to the garden party.
See getting out of the house means I have to buck up and be a mom. I have to hold my...pardon my language...shit together! I have to put on a happy face and just go with it. You know that saying "Fake it 'til you make it"? Well sometimes that what I have to do in order to get out of a funk. It's not that I'm a fake person and I'm not happy to be around people. It's actually the opposite! I really feed off social gatherings....I'm such a people person.
The thing is it's hard to talk about depression with others. I'm sure we've all had friends that have suffered and people say...wow I never even knew something was wrong! Letting your guard down to even try to explain depression is difficult. It's even difficult for me to talk to Michael about it and he's my husband! The fact is he doesn't understand what I'm going through. I know I can try to explain myself, but he still doesn't KNOW what it's like to be depressed. Also you don't want to be THAT person that's always dumping your problems on others.
My friend Christina just recently read my post on FB about Robin Williams and the lies that are spinning around in my head. She said that it really surprised her because I always seem so confident and put together. That was a really sweet compliment! I told her that sometimes I put on a happy face and get out of the house just to get through my day!
The main reason I had my most recent breakdown was due to my pills. Since it was summer time I wasn't getting up at a regular time and taking my pill every morning at 6am. Some days it was 7 some days it was 8:30, but that fluctuation in time really screwed up things. Since then I have been really mindful of making sure I have my pill the moment I get out of bed...usually between 7:00-7:30. This has helped stabilize my emotions. I have Michael to thank for piece of advise! :)
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I guess what I've been thinking the most about lately is the fact that we don't always communicate with people that we are struggling. Like I said on FB I have never had suicidal thoughts, but sometimes I do need someone to talk to that understands my struggles. So here's my proposal....I was thinking that if addicts and alcoholics can have sponsors why don't people with depression? Someone that isn't family, but has been through it and can help you in a positive way. Someone that will speak words of truth and be there when you need to talk or cry. I keep reading that if only I had known or if the person had talk to me I would have helped. So this is that time! If you know someone that is struggling with depression offer to be that person. Step out because they most likely won't! If you struggle with depression find someone that you trust and feel comfortable with and ask them. I know that it might be hard to open yourself up for someone to see and hear your innermost feelings, but it might just be the best thing you do!
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