We are now a family of 6 and I'm happy, but can you believe that even before I was moved out of my postpartum room after having my C-Section I was already saying, "I could do this again!" Kind of hard to believe since about a week before Zeke was born I was seriously ready to almost cut him out myself. Of course after I finished saying that I could do it again I got THE look from Michael followed by a firm and stern, "No...we are done!"
In the days that have followed I've mentioned it again and again and each time it's the same response....nope! I did go into Zeke's pregnancy knowing it was going to be my last, but to actually have it over and know that that chapter of my life is now over....ouch! I will never again get to see that double line on a pregnancy test, or go to the doctor and nervously wait to see that first ultrasound of a new little baby growing inside of me, or get to tell friends and family the good news, or feel the beautiful life growing and kicking inside of me. I know that mostly this is me riding the "I just had a baby hormone high", but it's so hard to say with finality...."We are done!"
Another thing that's been hard was putting away the little girl clothes that I had washed just in case Baby Z was a girl. It's not that I'm sad Zeke is a boy it's just we didn't know the gender so in my heart I had hopes both ways. I really didn't have a definitely feeling one way or another. I would say I was leaning more towards feeling it was a boy at the end, but I didn't want to let myself feel completely one way or another and then be disappointed. Not that any baby is a disappointment, but I think you know what I mean. I do think it would have been fun for Ella to have a sister. I have friends that have sisters and that bond is special. I always wished I had a sister...someone to talk about boys with and do our nails and go shopping. Ultimately I'm confident that God knew that our family needed Zeke and I'm so happy He blessed us with him. All the kids are completely in love with him as Michael and I are.
Do I still want another baby? Right now I would say yes. Can we afford another baby? Truthfully...not really. Michael is going to go in and have surgery...the dates not set yet and I'm sure when it is all said and done there will be some tears shed as that chapter in our lives will truly be over.
4 comments:
This could have been my blog verbatim. We have been round and round and we have come to the same decision and it's painful to think that never again will we have that wonderful experience. Jason is also going to have the surgery. It will definitely be a sad day for sure.
A hard place to come to for sure! We haven't come to the point of surgery yet (and I am so thankful, Corbin's not pushing for it...'cause I think I would snap!), but a baby anytime in the near future is definitely not in the picture. It's hard to close such an exciting chapter in life!
Have to say... good for Michael!! He will be back on his feet in a day or two... its outpatient isn't it? I remember when Roy had that surgery. Nothing ever knocks that guy down and I think Michael is the same way. Just keeps getting up and going.
This chapter is not "over". It's just the beginning! Don't think about what you're not going to have anymore, think about the children you DO have! Lamenting the past just makes for an unhappy present.
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