Electronic Rules

It seems like whenever we get things just right it isn't long before we have to tweak the whole system again. This time it's in regards to our kids electronic time. I'm mainly writing this down to document it, but maybe it will help some other parents out there that are struggling to help their kids find balance. 

Here's our current rules: 

Everyday the kids have an alarm that goes off at 4pm reminding them to do their daily tasks. 

Daily tasks: 

Owen - Sweep and vacuum downstairs

Jack - Unload and load the dishwasher

Ella - Wash and set the table

Zeke - Feed and water the cat

Every kiddo will get 1 tally mark for their daily task each day IF they ALL do their daily task. So for instance if everyone, but Zeke does their job they don't get a tally mark for that day. We are trying to get them to work as a team and encourage each other. Thankfully this hasn't turned into pointing fingers at the person that forgets. 

What are tally marks? Each tally mark is good for 15 minutes of electronic time to be cashed in on Saturday. Tally marks do not roll over the ones that have been earned for that week must be used that Saturday. 

The kids also have weekly tasks:

Owen - Bring down all laundry and sort

Jack - Clean the bathrooms

Ella - Empty all bathroom & bedroom garbages

Zeke - Empty recycle

Weekly tasks are to be done on Mondays if the kids do their daily task and their weekly task they have the opportunity to earn 3 tally marks that day. So with 3 on Monday, and then 1 for each of the other 6 days of the week that means they have an opportunity to earn 9 tally marks. If they do earn all 9 they all get a bonus tally mark. Bringing their total to 10. 10 tally marks equals 2.5 hours. 

To us electronic time is...watching tv, going on the computer to play games or playing on their kindles. I do let the kids go on the computer to read every now and then, but not to often since we only have one computer. 

We do have electronic time on Friday for family movie night and then we usually watch America's Got Talent on Thursday night as well. 

So far this has really worked out well. We are teaching the kids responsibility with their jobs as well as team work. They are earning time that they can use, but we are giving them boundaries in which to use that time. Hopefully this works for a while and we won't have tweak things for at less a few months or better yet maybe a whole year. 

Working Together!

With this new parenting strategy we are trying to basically raise, independent, hard working, competent adults. That's always been my goal when it comes to my kids. As they grow they need to be taking on more and more responsibility. Just like once they get old enough you stop dressing them and once they grow up enough you don't do their laundry. 

On Saturday April 29th I had a ton to do. I had to get our house cleaned up....we were having friends over for lunch the next day right after church got out, I was volunteering at the MOPS Rummage sale, Michael and the kids were going down to my parents to hang out with my Aunt & Uncle that were town and then after the Rummage sale I headed down to hang out with them as well. The only time I had to clean the house was that morning. I decided that it was going to take everyone pitching in. Michael was gone....he had to work a bit in the morning and then he was helping some friends from church move. Seriously busy!!!

I warned the kids that we were going to sit down and I was going to go over all the things that needed to get done. I gave them 10 minutes or so to finish whatever they were doing and then we sat down. 

I listed out all the things that needed to be done and I separated them by inside jobs and outside jobs. Then I took a piece of paper and wrote each of the kids names on them. Then I started to divide out the jobs. The older boys got more than the younger two. I also listed out the daily tasks that they were supposed to do as well. 

After dividing up the jobs....yes I gave myself some too! Then I talked with the kids about the order of importance when it comes to doing a job. For example Zeke wasn't going to be able to hose down the deck until after Owen cleared the deck and after Ella wiped off the table and the bench. Also Ella should wash the dining room table first since Jackson was going to need to sweep. I ended up going through and numbering each of the kids jobs so they could do them in the best possible order. 

Here are the boys lists. 

I will say this was a lot of prep work, but it was absolutely AMAZING!!! They all did so great and no one complained. Owen did get one more job added on from Jack's list because he was purposefully bugging Jack, but other than that it was fine. Well....Zeke did hose himself down when he was hosing down the deck. He was crying his head off and I was laughing, but that wasn't awful! Laughter is good medicine! 

Overall I could not have gotten all this done without them and it was such a great learning experience for them. I just so proud of my kiddos and how they are learning and growing and becoming awesome helpers!!! 

The Power Of No!

Back at the beginning of March Michael and I started taking a parenting class at church. Not that we honestly thought we needed to take a parenting class, but mainly because we thought it would be nice to hang out with other parents. 

Parenting on Purpose is a DVD class lead by a guy that heads up Sheridan House. It's basically a home for troubled boys. He's been quite entertaining to watch. I don't feel like the class has been boring at all. 

The biggest principle that you learn about is The Power Of No! I knew that I needed to say no to my kids for certain things and that they needed to listen and obey when I said no, but this takes that a step further. It's about ultimately teaching your kids to say no to themselves. No...I'm not going to sleep in because that means I have to go to bed early (consequence for not getting up on time) and I don't want to go to bed early. No...I don't want to be at this party anymore because they started drinking and I won't be able to attend another party for a month (consequence for staying at a party with unacceptable behavior) when Dad finds out that I stayed. Helping them to see that there is power in saying no to themselves. It's really been eye opening! I know I do that to myself all the time....wanting something at the store, but knowing we haven't budgeted for that so I say no to myself and walk out without buying it. But to trying to teach my children these skills when they are young wasn't necessarily something I had thought about. 

We've started making sure our no...meant no and we had clear cut consequences for bad behavior. Such as if there is arguing both parties have to sit in a chair for 5 minutes with no talking. Talking results in 5 more minutes. We don't lecture them we let the consequence speak for itself. If they start right back into arguing then they go right back into the chair. It seems simple, but it's difficult when you are stressed at the end of the day. 

The guy...honestly you'd think I'd know his name by now....that's teaches the class does some things different in regards to money. We've been following Dave Ramsey's money advice for the kids, but after hearing this guys we decided to blend the two together to make something that worked for us. The kids now have daily tasks that they have to do and weekly tasks that they have to do. They do not get paid for these tasks because they live in our house, get fed, clothed and so on. They each get a monthly allowance that is the amount of their age. Owen gets $10, Jack gets $8, Ella gets $7 and Zeke gets $4. Now that doesn't mean that they can't earn more money throughout the month. If we would like them to do another tasks that they don't normally do and we feel like they deserve to get paid for it we will ask them what they would charge us to do that job. This lets them practice the art of negotiation! We still have the kids set aside their money into their envelopes.....give, save and spend. 

One of the big things for the tasks you have your kids do is not to remind them. They need to learn to be responsible and reminding them every time just hinders that. They honestly can do it...we just don't like to see them fail so we play safety net and save them all the time. I do feel like having a visual reminder in place for them is okay. I have my calendar so I don't forget things so I felt like this wasn't breaking the rules. I do not remind them though. The chart above shows Owen's daily task is unloading and loading the dishwasher, Jack's is vacuuming and sweeping the first floor, Ella's is cleaning and setting the table for dinner and Zeke's is feeding the cat. The jobs are geared of course towards there age. 

The rule with the daily tasks is they have to be completed by 4pm along with any homework they might have. Once those are finished the kids are allowed electronic time from 4 - 6pm every night. This is a big deal with our kids. They have really loved knowing that everyday they are guaranteed to have electronic time. The catch is if they don't finish both of those and then go on electronics anyway then they forfeit their electronic time and then either Michael or I will do their task they have to complete the consequence. They also know that dinner is going to fall somewhere during that time. I usually have dinner on the table at 5pm so life is going to interrupt their plans. That's just how life is though and they need to understand that. Dinner doesn't take that long so they can still have some electronic time afterwards. 

To make things very clear I went ahead and made checklists for the kids for each of their tasks. That way there is no mistaking what should be done. There are the steps to completing the task and then the consequence for not completing the tasks. In this case if Owen went on electronics and had not completed his task of unloading and loading the dishwasher I would do that job for him, he would forfeit the rest of his electronic time and then he would do the consequence. The consequence for this task is clearing everything off the counter, cleaning the counters, the inside of the microwave, the top of the stove and then mopping the kitchen floor. The consequence is supposed to be harder and take longer, but also fit the crime per se. Since Owen was going to be cleaning dishes and that's something in the kitchen we feel like this consequence is just an extension of that because it's also cleaning the kitchen just in another way. 

I also made a weekly task chart. Owen's weekly task is to vacuum the upstairs, Jack's is to bring down the laundry and sort it, Ella's is to clean the kids bathroom and Zeke's....which you can see he'd already finished is to empty the recycle. Again the jobs are geared towards their age. The weekly tasks are also assigned a day. Owen and Ella's weekly task needs to be completed on Saturday, Jack's needs to be done on Tuesday because I do laundry on Wednesdays and Zeke's needs to be finished on Monday since the recycle goes out on Tuesdays. 

I also made checklists for the weekly tasks. These are hung up in the room where the task is to be done...so this is hung on the laundry room wall. It gives Jack in this case clear instructions so he knows exactly what to do and how to do it. Again we can't remind him....as of writing this Jack has forgotten to do his weekly task twice now. His consequence for not doing this is to put away all the kids clothes and that includes all their hang ups. The thing is you are supposed to pit the kids against themselves and not you. They can't be mad at me because this was completely in their control. If he had brought the laundry down there would be no consequence. There are consequences with everything...some are good and some are bad. When he gets older if he forgets to do a task that his boss assigned him it could mean he loses his job. Real life is tough and I'd rather the kids learn that now while the consequence is something as easy as putting away everyone's laundry. Another thing is once the kids do get it we are supposed to get crazy excited for them. They are awesome kids and we know that and really they need to see that they are awesome and they can be responsible. Once they do that we need to get stoked for them....or as the guy on the DVD says...jacked up! 

One of the things the guy talks about is how you can quickly figure out what type of person your child is when you start using this method. Do you have a pleaser or a barbarian. I knew that Owen was most likely a pleaser just because of his personality and his temperament. I would say that Ella is also a pleaser as well. Jack might be a barbarian...still trying to figure that out. Zeke is most definitely a barbarian. His weekly job is recycle and he did not want to do it. I told him that was fine, but he would have to do the consequence. The consequence is emptying all the garbages in the whole house. So I set out to do his job which took me all of 7 minutes or so. Of course I know it would have taken him longer since he's smaller, but honestly it would have taken drastically less time than emptying all the garbages. I think it took him 45 minutes after I was finished with the recycle. When I was finished with the recycle I did make a point to just happily say..."Wow...I'm all finished with my job....that was fast!" When he was finished I asked him if the garbage was easier than the recycle and he said yes! He was not going to give me the satisfaction of telling me it was harder and he should have just finished the recycle. I will say that the following week he decided to take out the recycle! :) 

The most recent lesson has been about giving your kids a philosophy of life. What's the main thing you want to strive for in life. It's our job to guide and be good examples for our kids to follow. Our main goal is to point our kids towards Jesus. I don't want them to follow Jesus just because we do. I know that's not a deep enough commitment for them to follow Him all the days of their lives. I want them to know Jesus personally and come to love Him and have faith in Him on their own. That way they know for sure this was their decision and not just something they followed along with. 

Michael and I have always read some sort of storybook Bible to the kids at night. Usually during the summer we slack off, but we've been trying really hard to be consistent with it. Right now we are reading through The LEGO Brick Bible. If you've never seen it it's a Bible that's like a comic book and all the scenes are made up of LEGO pieces. It's so funny at times! The kids love it. It does dive into parts of the Bible that typically storybook Bibles avoid. The Old Testament is legit full of a lot of war and blood!!! I would definitely not recommend this Bible for younger kids. There have been parts where we've had to skip because it was talking about rape or something else I didn't want to dive into at that time. We are almost finished with the New Testament and I think after that we might just start reading the actual Bible. We are planning to sign the kids up for Awanas next September so they are going to be memorizing Bible verses so why not just start reading the actual Word of God! 

Michael and I have also started to sit in a circle with our kids, hold hands and then each of us prays at night before bed. I love love hearing what's on their hearts!!! It's also nice for them to hear adults pray for them or for others or just praise God's name. I'm not saying that adults pray better, but it's good for them to hear that we are praying for their future spouse or that were praying for someone that's been injured and it's not just that we are praying selfishly all the time. It's been a really precious time for our family. 

We still have two lessons left and I'm excited to see what else we are going to learn from this class. 

Tally Marks Are Worth More that Money!

Over the Thanksgiving Holiday I had had enough of the kids bad attitudes. I decided that December would be a Kindle Free month. At our house we have electronic days...Sunday, Tuesday and Friday are all electronic days. The kids pretty much have free reign in regards to using the TV, computer and Kindle on those days. The other days of the week are 90% of the time electronic free days unless we want to watch a football game or the kids are sick and we just need to veg out. It's really worked well in our house having those boundaries. Now instead of, "Mom can I go on the computer?" being asked 20 times a day...it's "Mom what day is it?" If I say Monday they know it's not an electronic day and that's the end of it. 

Back to the no Kindles for December....I decided after a day or so that I would let them go on the Kindles in December, but only if they earned them. So I implemented Tally Marks! If you're kids are in public school and they are using Engage NY math curriculum then you'll know that a tally mark represents 10. 

I gave the kids three criteria. 

1. They listen and obey the first time we ask them to do something without whining or complaining. 

2. They do not interrupt us while we are talking...or anyone for that matter. 

3. They do not intentionally start conflict. 

If I ask them to do something and they do it right away and don't complain they get a tally mark. If they put their hand on my arm and wait for a break in the conversation they get a tally mark. If they don't get upset, but talk nicely to a sibling that has taken a toy and try to resolve the situation they get a tally mark. 

I am telling you the Tally Marks have been pure genius! We have tried other things for our kids like paying them actually money for doing things....like .5 for every time I go into the bathroom and the toilet is flushed. Money doesn't really motivate my kids. They get paid for doing jobs around the house and they know it helps them be able to buy stuff, but if ask them if they'd like to make some money over 50% of the time they'll say no. Tally Marks are like gold to them. And the best part...they don't cost us anything. They are a pencil mark on a piece of paper! 

The rules for using Tally Marks are they can only be used on an actual electronic day. Other than that you can use all of them at once, or just use 10 minutes. That is another rule you have to use increments of 10 minutes. One of the kids will come to me and say I want to use 20 minutes on the Kindle so I'll set the timer and erase 2 Tally Marks. If they come back after 10 minutes saying they don't want to use the rest of their time I'll add a Tally Mark back on. 

I have the Tally Mark sheet just taped to the side of the kitchen cabinets right above the pencil holder so it's easy to add and remove them. I try to immediately award Tally Marks when I hear or see the kids doing something correctly. It's been such a gear changer in our house focusing on the positive rather than the negative. I think we can all get in a rut where we focus on the issues and not the successes. One thing that has taken some getting used to is Ella being such a cute suck up. She is so intentional to say, "Yes Mama!" when I ask her to do something it can sound kind of fake. At first it was bugging me because I know the only reason she's doing it is to get a Tally Mark, but then I realized WHO CARES! She is obeying me and she is going out of her way to help me. Yes she is being a bit over the top and she's always doing something and then asking if she gets a Tally Mark for it, but she's behaving well! Eventually the over-the-topness will ease up and she'll just settle into a more normal way of doing things. Plus like I said before....Tally Marks literally cost me nothing! 

As for when the kids do still make bad choices and don't obey the first time or cause conflict with each other we just simple say, "Oh man if you had obeyed mommy without complaining you would have gotten a Tally Mark". We just simply remind them that they missed out on something good. No lecturing them....just matter of fact. We do not really take away Tally Marks either. They have earned them so they are theirs. We have had a few occasions where the kids have been acting up and we have told them if they continue they will all lose a Tally Mark. That usually gets them to think twice about their actions. 

I know that the Tally Marks won't work forever, but they are working just fine right now so we are going to continue using them past December and for as long as they are effective! 

Love & Logic - Bedtime!

I just recently read Parenting with Love & Logic. This is actually the first book...I read the second book first which is concerning kids ages Birth - 6. This one was more for older kids although you could apply the tips to younger kids. One of the differences I noticed had to do with bedtimes for older kids. Once kids get to a certain age....and I think this age is not a number, but more of a developmental age they can understand and figure out what their body is trying to tell them. So we sat the older boys down and asked them how they know when they are hungry and how to do they know when they have to go to the bathroom. Of course they told us how their tummies growl and in Jack's words..."My penis gets big"....love that kid! They know their body gives them clues. 

Then we told them that Daddy and I require 7 hours of sleep every night. Then I asked how much sleep they think they should get and Owen said he wanted 10 hours. Perfect....then you need to fall asleep by 9pm. We also told them that require around 2 and a half hours of alone time at night. Not because we don't love them, but because we are tired and we need some downtime at night. So we told them that between 8 - 8:30 we would say goodnight and they could play upstairs in the playroom as long as we didn't see them. They also got to decide when they wanted to go to sleep. They need to listen to their bodies. Now of course I'm thinking this is going to end badly...they are going to end up staying awake until 11:30 or something, but you know what....one day of being exhausted would sure teach them how they should listen to their bodies. Because the next morning was a school day so they weren't going to sleep in. 

I was super surprised when they chose to go to bed around 9:30! The next day they did great! Ever since that first night they have had to go to their room before they are ready for various reasons....coming downstairs and calling my name from the top of the stairs. They get sent to their room, but they still don't have to go to sleep. Mostly they do great...they play and then they put themselves to bed...one night it was at 8:45! 

Now for the younger too this isn't an option. They are just a little to young for this. So we changed something about their sleep habits as well. They are no longer taking naps. This was a huge sacrifice for me. I love those couple of hours to myself during the day, but it was necessary. First Ella is starting school in the fall and I really need to break her of naps. Second Zeke was the one that was mainly causing issues at bedtime because he wasn't tired. Now when we put Ella and Zeke to bed between 8 - 8:30 they are tired!!! By the time Owen and Jack do come to bed Zeke is out so they are able to actually go to sleep rather than be bugged by their younger brother. Ella and Zeke could still use a nap and some days they get a little one. If Ella is having a hard time controlling her emotions I'll tell her to go to her room and come out when she's ready to behave and she usually falls asleep and I'll go get her in 30 minutes. Zeke Man usually won't fall asleep until he gets sent to his room or we are in the van...he's great at crashing in the car! 

Just another success from Love & Logic! It hasn't even been 1 month since we started implementing these changes and I'm so enjoying the changes we've experienced. Plus I love that I have not once raised my voice with my kids! 

Love & Logic!

Even though I have this blog and I decide what to write I try not to make my life sound all rosy. Life is life and it's messy sometimes. This is my online scrapbook and I want it to be real. I've been very open about my struggle with depression and I think it's helpful for me to get my feelings out and if it might be helpful to someone else that's great too! 

A couple weeks ago it was tough...for some reason my emotions were thin and I was wearing them on my sleeve. The kids were being kids and were on my every last nerve. I felt like I was spirally out of control and drowning all at the same time. Come Friday night I had yelled at the kids...and used some choice words and I knew I was at the breaking point. I came down and told Michael that I needed to get out of here. Now I'm not one to run away from my problems, but when it gets to the point where you think you are ruining your kids it might be a good time to take a step back. I texted my mom and talked with her and we made plans for me to come down the next day and spend the night. I could probably haven't gotten in the car that minute and gone down, but I didn't want to leave the kids on a negative note. 

The next morning was good...it's always better when I know Michael isn't going anywhere...he's my anchor. We had a good morning and it felt nice leaving the kids that's way. I told them that I was going to spend sometime with my mommy. 

Mom and I had good talks and we went shopping. Don't you love shopping therapy? Not that I got anything exciting...a plastic planting barrel, toothpaste for the kids and beads for a MOPS craft don't really count as exciting, but still shopping without kids is always a dream! 

Right before I headed out the door to go to my parents house I stumbled across our Kindle...Ella had put it in one of her purses. I decided to take it along in case I wanted to read. My friend Natalie had talk about the Love & Logic book on Wednesday and I got it on my Kindle from the library that very day. On Sunday after sleeping in I decided I should try to read it. 

I sat down on the couch and in about 3 hours had finished the book....all the while makes notes about what to tell Michael when I got home. I was sure this was going to help out at home with a lot of issues that were happening. 

I stayed at my parents until around 3pm and then headed home. At first I wasn't going to put into practice any of the things I learned until I talked with Michael first, but a situation arose and I just handled it. Zeke threw a marble at the neighbors car....Owen said it chipped the paint, but I don't think he threw it that hard. I just went over to him and said...."Uh oh, that's so sad....looks like you need a little room time" Then I scooped him up and took him to his room. I asked him if he wanted the door open or shut...he wanted it open and then I told him he could come down when he was ready to play nice. That was it! He stayed up there and in fact he fell asleep since he didn't take a nap. 

Then I started using more of the techniques and telling Michael about them as I went. I started making "deposits" into my kids by giving them choices. Do you want to put the kids plates at the table or the adult plates? Do you want milk or juice? Do you want me to pour your milk in your cup or in your mouth? Being silly is always an added bonus. They loved it! The big thing is to give choices and neither of those choices should bother anyone. Later that night I made a "withdrawl"....it was bedtime and I asked if they had been getting to make a lot of choices and they said yes. So I told them it was my turn to make a choice and my choice was it's bedtime. I did have to go up once and tell them that it wasn't fair that they were interrupted my time and it wasn't nice that I was having to come up and tell them to be quiet so every time I had to come up after that I would be charging them .50 for my time. That night I didn't have to go up again. Since starting this we have had to charge them .50 twice. 

Another part was making sure you use enforceable statements. So instead of saying, "Hurry up and eat your breakfast", you say, "breakfast is served until 7:20". When it's 7:20 no matter how much food is on their plates breakfast is over. This has worked really well. We also say, "Out the door at 7:40" this one has been harder for Owen especially. Instead of getting everything done so he's ready he gets halfway there, breakfast, teeth brushed and dressed, but he doesn't put his shoes or his coat on or zip up his backpack. So when my alarm goes off at 7:40 I grab his backpack and shoes and put them out the door. I loving say..."That's so sad that you chose to play around instead of get ready....I love you have a great day". He still thinks that I'm going to let him come back for his coat and it really upsets him, but he'll figure it out soon enough. 

We have also been making the kids work to get things back. For instance Jackson is constantly leaving his backpack on the floor. I've told him I will tell him once when he gets home to put his stuff away. He knows exactly what this means and he usually does it fine the first time. Then later on he has to come back and get something out of his backpack and then he leaves it sitting right there in the middle of the floor. So it gets taken away and he has to take a bag to school...the first time it was a grocery bag, but that ripped so the second time it was reusable Wal-Mart bag. Later the next day he can work to get it back. The first time he had to vacuum the whole upstairs to get it back. The thing is our kids are smarter than we give them credit for. He knows where his backpack goes...he says he forgets, but that's not true. He gets busy is what happens, but this is going to help him be more responsible in the long run. Plus it keeps me from getting angry and that's the key. You should never let your kids see you sweat! They should never see that your blood pressure is rising...if they do then they've gotten the power. 

Another example of Love & Logic that I used the other day was with Zeke. He was in the shower and I gave him a choice about getting out and when it was time he didn't want to get out. So I had to remove him from the shower. Of course he is wet as can be and is flailing around like a fish out of water. I wrapped him up in two towels and took him to his room. At first I tried to hold him and tell him that I would talk to him when he was calm, but we were so passed that so I remembered something I read in the book. I started egging him on...."Oh come on scream louder than that....stomp your feet harder you've got it in you" Immediately I gave him permission to throw a fit and therefore he didn't have the power anymore. He crossed his arms and said, "NO". He wasn't going to throw a fit anymore! Genius! 

The most recent tip I used was the Energy Drain. This was the only thing I hadn't used so far and wasn't sure how it was going to go, but I thought I'd give it a shot. It was after school on a Monday and I was trying to help Jack with homework, Owen was doing his job of emptying the garbage and he needed help since the garbage bag was stuck and Ella was trying to make a bead necklace and needed my help also. They were all talking at once and I felt myself getting a headache. That's when I said...."Oh I'm having such an energy drain"....I acted all exhausted too...which wasn't far from the truth. "How are you guys going to charge me up". Jack said I should eat and I informed him that wasn't it....I needed them to do some work for me since I didn't have the energy to do it. So Owen moved all the toys from his room into the playroom upstairs, Ella brought up all the stuff in the backyard that didn't belong there and I can't remember what Jack did. It worked like a charm! There was no yelling about me not being able to talk to 3 people at once and work got down....win-win! 

I still haven't read the Parenting With Love & Logic book...I've only read the one in the picture above, but I'm hoping there are even more tips. Right now it's been a great success and the kids have noticed a change too. They have even told me they love that they are getting to make choices and they feel like they are learning more and they like that mommy isn't raising her voice....so do I!!!! 

Have you read Love & Logic? What are some of your favorite techniques? 

More Goals And Manners!

Last Thursday was a rough at our house. That is to be expected since we aren't used to being together all day long! There were listening issues and the endless questions about electronic entertainment. So as well as having a Summer Bucket List I thought we needed to have Daily Summer Goal. I know that we won't get everything on this list done each and every day, but it's nice to have a list of things to do when the kids get bored! The kids did help me with the list and I did take into account that they like electronics and how can I blame them...I like electronics! So they are allotted 1 hour a day on each - TV, Kindle & computer.    

I'm really trying to get the kids to not be so focused on themselves so to help that along I have quite a few things on the list that consist of helping others or doing something creative for someone else. 

Another thing I've been wanting to focus on with the kids is how they speak and what they say. So we came up with a list of what we should being saying. 

I've referenced the Duggar family before and they have impacted another thing in our life. They teach their kids to say, "my pleasure" instead of "your welcome". I love this! The kids are of the mindset that helping and serving is such a pain. I am a natural server...I love to help others. This is a main thing that God asks us to do to love and serve others so by saying "my pleasure" it really is saying I'm happy to do it. I want the kids to be happy to help. Even if they don't mean it at first I'm hoping that by helping others and by saying it enough it might really sink in and make a difference. To make saying these things fun on the first day I kept a tally chart and gave the kids a check mark whenever I heard them use these words. It was hilarious how into it Owen got. He was such a polite boy! Over the top polite! It was hilarious hearing him over enunciate and draw out the words....my pleasure! I didn't care though since he was actually using his manners! Another Duggar thing is instead of the kids saying "Stop" over and over again they instruct their kids to say, "Please Don't". Whenever someone says this the other person is required to stop or there will be a punishment. The kids have been really good with this one. We are also teaching the kids about problem resolution. I'm so tired of tattling! We've explained to the kids how God instructs us to deal with someone who does us wrong. You are to talk to that person first and then if they don't stop doing the wrong then you come and involved someone in authority. Not running in the room yelling, "he won't stop!". We are teaching them to say, "I have a problem" and then explain what they have done to try to fix the situation instead of just harping on and on about what the other person has done. Lots of training, but that's parenthood! 

Fiesty!

This cute almost 2 year old has been throwing me for a loop recently. She is so strong willed and her favorite words are "Mine" and "No". She's also started the hitting phase. My biggest challenges with her are diaper changes, changing her clothes and brushing her teeth. She is fine when Daddy or Ga-Ga change her and she's an absolute terror when I change her. I honestly dread changing her...it's such a battle. I try being lighthearted about it and have fun, but sometimes we just need to get going or I have dinner cooking and I just need to change her poopy diaper now and not mess around.

Yesterday I tried giving her choices that still got the same outcome and that seemed to help. Such as saying, "Ella it's time to change your diaper do you want to lay down on your own or do you want Mama to lay you down?" She did seem to respond better to that. My friend Kim suggested that I read The Strong Willed Child...I thought I had that book, but I think I just borrowed it from the church library and gave it back because it's was an old edition. Currently I'm reading Bringing Up Girls so I think I'll finish that one first and then check out The Strong Willed Child from the library. What I don't want to do is make her feel like she can't be her own person. I want her to have her own opinions and be a strong independent person, but she also needs to understand who the authority figures are in her life and respect them.

Not So Good Kind Of Day!

So yesterday was a not so good kind of a day. We were doing really good with the new discipline method over the weekend, but now I'm doing it by myself. When things happen in the moment I have a hard time catching myself and knowing what to do. Thankfully I never did get upset, but I did have to call Michael for advice after one particular incident that I had idea how to handle. The boys are just testing me and seeing if they can get away with their old tricks and now that their old tricks are working they are upping their game. Totally expected! In addition to Daddy being at work we also had Logan on Tuesday and Wednesday so that adds a new twist to the whole process as well. Now they have to share me with someone else...another reason to try harder to get my attention.

When Michael got home I finished up dinner and then once Jen got here to pick up Logan I went out. I needed to get out of the house anyways and do some grocery shopping and it was definitely needed time away. I also needed to go to Bath & Body Works to get more hand soap since it's on sale right now. As I pulled into parking lot my phone rang...it was my OBGYN's office. The test results were in....there were no chromosomal abnormalities with the baby! I'm kind of confused by this...I think in my head I thought if they told me there was something wrong I would perhaps feel better (that's not the right word) about the baby dying. Like there was something wrong so it couldn't survive outside my womb. I know that there still could have been something wrong like a whole in the heart or other issues, but in regards to chromosomes the baby was fine. From a medical stand point that is a very good thing since some of those chromosomal abnormalities can be reoccurring...thankfully we don't have to worry about that.

The nurse was also able to tell me the sex of the baby....it was a boy! I was totally shocked! I was sure it was a girl, but then I got to thinking. The reason I was SO sure it was a girl was because the pregnancy symptoms were so similar to my pregnancy with Ella. BUT, the symptoms like acne and losing my hair actually started to happen AFTER the baby had already died. I carried the baby for 3 weeks after he died so those were actually a lack of pregnancy symptoms. After the kids were in bed I told Michael about the phone call and he said he knew it was a boy. I pushed him further and he just said he knew from the beginning it was boy. Now I find myself thinking what would he have looked like..smelled like...felt like? My baby boy! It makes it more real and more raw all over again!

This morning Michael and I talked about it and we've decided to give him the original boy name we had picked out for him....Kyan William Martin!

FlyLady - Day 5 / New Parenting Method

Day 5 - Write Down What You Hear!

So yesterday was all about those negative voices that pop up and tell us ladies that we aren't good enough and that it's just too much and we'll never get it done. FlyLady wanted me to write down the negative thoughts and then turn them around and say something positive to myself. The only thing was I didn't have any negative thought concerning this yesterday. I'm sure there will be days though! Since yesterday was Sunday it was a pretty relaxed day...now if this was a weekday I might have had some negative thoughts.

On top of tackling my household CHAOS (Did you know that FlyLady has an acronym for that too...it's Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) we are also tackling behavior chaos with the kids. Like I mentioned in a previous post we decided to read 'Have A New Kid By Friday' and we are currently on Thursday of the book. We started last Friday and let me tell you Friday was B.U.S.Y!!

On of the main principles of correcting bad behavior is by responding to it not reacting to it. Just like a patient at a hospital responding to medicine is a good thing, but reacting to medicine is a bad thing. So for example if one of the kids spits at another kid in the car instead of getting mad and telling them not to do it we just hang back and say nothing and then when we get home or wherever we're going the very next time that child asks for gets denied....a simple NO! Most kids will get a little irritated (I say that because Jack doesn't really care right now so he's taking longer to catch on) and ask again or get agitated. Part of the principle is after you say no you turn around and walk away. That's so the child with not be able to argue and they will pursue you. When they are really panicky about it that's when you know you have their attention and can explain why they aren't getting what they want. Child...you are not going to play outside because you spit on child in the car....this is unacceptable behavior and will not be tolerated. Then walk away! No arguing...it is what it is period!

This has revolutionized our household! I tell you arguing has been one of my biggest complaints. Walking away just shows the child that you won't stand for them to sit there and argue...you aren't going to listen to it. Your word is your word!

Needless to say I did a lot of walking on Friday...round and round our house over and over again! But the behavior has gotten so much better. We have kids that are using their manners and also listening after being told ONCE! Go figure!

Another big part of the principles is Reality Discipline...just letting things happen so kids can learn from it. Not trying to save them from everything. We almost had a really good example of this when I asked Owen to get his shoes on so we could go to Wal-Mart and he said, "No!" Jack said, "Well then you won't have any shoes!" Exactly Jack...I was absolutely going to let Owen go to Wal-Mart with no shoes and I know he would NOT have liked that at all, but in the end he did put his shoes on. We had another incident with shoes though where I told Owen to put his shoes on and he was just taking his sweet time and I said if you're not ready to go by the time I am I'm leaving....and I did! He wasn't able to go Fred Meyer's with me, but I bet the next time he'll put his shoes on when I ask him to!

At times it's seems a little brutal, but you know what it's just life. Kids have to understand that this world isn't going to be handed to them on a silver platter. So far we are very happy with the results and we're not even done yet. I would totally recommend this book and it's principles to anyone who would like to get some behavior issues under control. The funny thing is that it's not so much about the kids behavior because they are just doing what they have been taught to do...it's more about us parents adjusting our behavior and sticking to it!

Side Note: Owen cut a chunk of Ella's hair yerterday while Michael and I were in the shower. It was mainly my fault because when I was decluttering the kitchen I moved a couple pair of scissors upstairs since we had about 6 pair in the drawer. When we are in the shower they usually just stay in our bed and watch cartoons so I don't worry about them getting into stuff. It's not horrible, but I did cry!

I'm At A Loss!

Last night Owen went to bed at 6pm! Not willingly of course...he didn't eat dinner so Daddy sent him to bed early. I'm so at a loss with this kid. I just don't get it. The kid doesn't eat. He doesn't even really seem to like food!

Seriously here's a list of the food Owen doesn't like...

Grilled Cheese

Soup

Any Sandwich with Meat

Hot Dogs

Corn Dogs

Yogurt

String Cheese (He pretty much doesn't like cheese in general....especially melted cheese)

Nachos

Tacos

Fajitas

Pizza

Mashed Potatoes

Olives

Eggs

Bacon

Hash Browns

Bananas

Oranges

Any Vegetable

Watermelon

Cantaloupe

Beans

Chicken On The Bone

Hamburgers

Here's a list of the food Owen does like...

Peanut Butter & Jelly or Nutella

Toast with Jam

Sausage Links or Patties

Goldfish

Pop Tarts

Toaster Strudel

Wheat Thins

Chips

Macaroni & Cheese

Top Raman

Chicken Nuggets

French Fries

Apples

Strawberries

Blueberries

Oatmeal

Boneless Chicken

Cereal

Muffins

Graham Crackers

Yogurt Covered Raisins

French Toast

Waffles

Pancakes

Banana Bread

Candy Canes or Suckers

The other day Owen actually turned down a Reese's Peanut Butter cup....seriously! I'm just so freakin' irritated right now. Some times Jack won't eat, but it doesn't bother me at all because he is able to keep himself in check and when he's hungry he eats. Owen chooses not to eat and then gets to a point where he absolutely cannot control himself because he's SO hungry. But HE chooses this....we put food in front of him and he CHOOSES not to eat. I keep thinking he'll get it, but he doesn't! He asks to be excused because he doesn't want to eat what we are eating and I tell him, "This is dinner....we won't be eating again until breakfast when the sun comes up!" Then he gets down and in the morning the first thing I hear is, "Mama I'm SO hungry!" Yeah of course you are....you didn't eat! Sorry I'm venting, but seriously how thick headed can you be!!!!

I wish I had one of those kids and just ate and ate and ate. I would love it if he ate an entire sandwich and asked for more. It seems like we've tried everything in the book too. We let him choose what to eat from what's on the table, we let him get involved and cook the food in hopes that he'll want to try it, we don't let him have snacks between mealtimes so he's hungry, we let him have snacks between mealtimes in hopes that he doesn't come to the table too hungry...so on and so on and so on!

This is just something we've dealt with since Owen started eating solid foods and it's not getting any better. It makes is really disheartening too when you try to make good wholesome food for your family and your kid asks you what's for dinner and the first sentence out of his mouth is, "I don't like it!"

Points

Have I blogged about our points system? For some reason I feel like I have, but I went looking back on the blog and couldn't find it. Awhile ago I blogged about our House Rules. Those still exist we just don't have them posted anymore. We noticed that negative reinforcement wasn't cutting it with Owen. Timeouts didn't really have any effect on him and neither did spankings. So my friend Kim suggested that we try positive reinforcement instead. Enter the point system...

The chart on the left has a picture of two people sharing a milk shake so that's for...sharing. The chart in the middle has an ear that's for listening and obeying. The chart on the right has a smile that's for being kind. The boys have to earn points to get a treat. 10 for sharing (it's been bumped up to 20 because they learned how to work the system on this one), 20 for listening and obeying and 20 for being kind. At first I gave the boys half their points on each chart that way I could take points away if they were doing the opposite of what I wanted...like if you steal a toy you will lose a point on your sharing chart. So far it's gone really well! Owen has earned 3 treats and Jack 1. Jack isn't nearly as motivated by this as Owen as you can tell.

The other day Owen got to go pick up his third treat. A treat is one thing from the dollar store. Anything they want. The first time Owen went he had earned two treats and he got a Cars harmonica and a Cars paint set. Jack has gotten these cool tub toys that squirt water. This time around Owen got a train he could paint. He LOVES arts and crafts! He's also wearing his new craft apron that Papa Martin got him!

Ta Da...a work of art! He did it almost all by himself. He did let Mommy and Daddy paint a little...sharing so he got another point! Told you he knows how to work the system. Daddy also filled in some of the areas so there wouldn't be anymore white showing through.

Lesson!

Yes this is a picture of my 2 1/2 year old sitting in a highchair, wearing a bib and drinking from a bottle. Let me back up a bit though...

We have been working on the potty training thing for a while now and Jack was doing TERRIFIC!!! Then he decided that he didn't really need to try anymore. He had it down so why put any extra energy into it. So he started peeing in his pants sometimes right after getting up from peeing on the potty. Frustrating to say the least! So on Friday night I was at my wits end when he peed in his pants for the second time in about an hour and I decided if you're going to act like a baby I'm going to treat you like a baby.

So I went out and got a pair of footie pajamas (we don't have our kids wear those once they are potty training), I put him in a diaper and he had to go to bed earlier than Owen because that's what babies do. The next morning I changed his diaper and put a new one on and we downstairs. He had his big boy chair taken from him and we put up the portable highchair and he sat in that during breakfast. He didn't get to use a plate or a fork or a cup. We also talked about how babies don't get to play on the computer or pick out movies. He also had to take a morning nap just like Ella does. He kept going around saying things like, "I'm a baby!" and we kept saying, "No, you're not a baby you are a big boy, but you are acting like a baby!"

For a while I thought we had shot ourselves in the foot. I thought he wasn't going to break. I knew he was pushing me too and I just kept holding strong. By lunchtime he finally caved at the table. He said he wanted to be a big boy and he wanted to wear his undies and go in the potty. So we got super excited, he went in the potty and he got his big boy chair back and he got to pick out a movie.

Later on on Saturday night we went to birthday party and I didn't bring his Elmo potty seat with us so I knew that taking him potty would be a challenge. He refuses to sit on regular potty and he's never stood up to pee before. When it was time to take him potty he got a little scared because he knew I didn't have his potty seat, but then he asked me if he could pee standing up. So I held him up and he went...STANDING UP! I was so excited for him! We did a little hip hip hooray dance in the bathroom and he got treats.

He has had accidents since this, but we are just reminding ourselves that that's what they are...accidents! This too shall pass!

Keepin' It Real...

Last week stunk for me...just plain stunk! I really feel like my hormones are still leveling out, but mainly now that I'm feeling better I feel that Satan was really attacking me. Let's be real...he is alive and well and working really hard at trying to get us to feel bad about ourselves or persuade us to do bad things. Last week I just felt so completely overwhelmed with my job as a homemaker and mother and the fact that Michael doesn't have a job and it's coming up on 7 months soon that I needed a break. So where do you go when you need a pick me up...Mom and Dad's house of course!!!

Michael was so wonderful about the whole thing...he told me to go and take the time I needed. After all he's home right now so it really was a perfect time for me to have a meltdown. HAHA!!!

My Mom and Dad were of course there will open arms and ears. My Mom is so good about not jumping right into what's bothering me, but just being there and waiting for me to be ready to open up and get my feelings out. The first night we talked a lot and then the next night we had some girl time/shopping therapy...so nice! As you can see my Dad was pretty smitten with having a sweet little girl at his house...she looks pretty smitten too!

Ella and I spent 2 whole days away and it was so rejuvenating. It was so fun having alone time with Ella and giving her some special one on one attention. It was also nice to take care of myself and frankly be a little selfish. I'm not going to lie and say that everything was perfect once I got home. Saturday was another bad day...I just feel like Satan is whispering in my ears, "You can't do this!"..."You're such an awful mother!"..."Just give up!". His words are piercing my heart, but I know they don't have power over me! I'm choosing to turn a deaf ear to his lies!!! I AM a good mother...do I have bad days, heck yeah!! But God's mercies are new EVERY MORNING!

My children are a blessing from God and I'm not going to waste this short time in their lives beating myself up about the mistakes I do make. I'm going pick myself up, brush myself off and do the best that I can with the strength God has given me. I'm going to learn from my mistakes and try to do better. And most of all I'm going to love my babies no matter what!

Speaking of strength...this sweet 3 month old is getting pretty strong. She loves to stand up when we hold her and she's doing great with keeping her head off the ground during tummy time.

Elmo AKA The Motivator

Keep your chin up...tomorrow is another day!

Childhood...

Is about finding pleasure in the simple things. Things like...throwing rocks, splashing in water or running around chasing Daddy.

Blowing on dandelions is one of the things we all did as a child. It's like a right of passage. It's funny how the boys didn't need to be shown what to do with these. They just saw them, picked them and blew. It felt natural...almost like an instinct.

Wouldn't it be nice if parenting were natural or instinctual. There are some aspects that are and too many more that aren't. I feel right now like I'm failing more than I'm succeeding at this parenting thing...maybe I need to think more like a child.