Monday, April 13, 2015

Spring Is Hard!

Spring is always one of those things that sneaks up on me. It does it every year. I'll just be minding my business being a mom, planning for MOPS, organizing the house and hanging out with friends and family and then boom...I realize the date! The last time that happened it was March 15th...Ella's rescheduled birthday party. I was showing my friend Christina the wall in our room that has my belly pictures for all the kids on it. It also has Brayden's onesie and Kyan's ultrasound picture. While I was talking to her I realized it was exactly to the day 9 years since I had my D & C after Brayden had died. It still hits's like waves. Sometimes they are going out and I feel fact it's hard to admit this, but there are days that I don't think about the fact that I've lost two babies. Life is normal. Then the tide comes in and my emotions still feel very raw. I notice the gap between Ella and Zeke and wonder how our family would be different if they were closer in age. I notice kids just a little older than Owen and think that's how Brayden would be right now. Even though I never got to hold their physical bodies or get to know their personalities I miss them terribly! The beginning of May is always hard too as that's when I had my D & C for Kyan. Right before Mother's Day....which has always seemed kind of fitting and also rude at the same time. Emotions are a funny thing. Without them we are numb and I've felt that way in the past and I did not like it. It's not that I want to feel the hurt, but if I don't I think that wouldn't do their life justice. They did live! They lived inside of me...only for a short time, but still they lived! They deserve to be mourned and remembered....even if it hurts!

I was talking to my friend Kim the other day about how my life feels like it's been compartmentalized. I had my schooling life, then my career life followed by my mom life. But within that career life was our infertility struggles. It honestly feels like a different lifetime. So long ago! I remember while we were going through it it didn't seem like it would ever end. But here we are now and we have children that have now lived longer than we struggled to get them. 

Another friend, Andrea just went through a huge scare with her daughter. They thought she might have cancer, but it turned out to be TB. TB still isn't something to be happy about, but it is the lesser of two evils. My heart is so happy that Rukiyah doesn't have cancer! I know that a lot of people struggle with the question...How can a loving God let bad things happen? The thing is we live in a world filled with sin and evil. A fallen world! It's not the way God wanted it, but Adam and Eve disobeyed and let sin enter the world. It's because of that sin that bad things happen. It's not God's's our fault! I know that might be confusing or maddening, but it's the truth. 

This morning I didn't even wake up with a blog post in my head. My grief was just brought to my mind by reading a friends post on Facebook about the loss of her mom and I just felt like my fingers need to type my feelings out. God didn't promise that we'd have a perfect, happy life. God didn't promise that we wouldn't cry and struggle. God didn't promise that it wouldn't hurt and break our heart. What He did promise is that we wouldn't walk it alone!