3 Years Ago...

today I was in the hospital having a surgery due to a really devastating miscarriage. It almost feels like it's been longer than 3 years because it was only 3 short months after that miscarriage that I got pregnant with Owen. That was a terribly painful time in my life. I had finally gotten pregnant after trying...Clomid for months, 4 rounds of IUI and 2 rounds of IVF. Our baby was conceived in January, but stopped growing shortly after that in February. I ended up carrying that baby until March 13th since the doctor wanted my body to take care of things naturally. That ended up being a really bad mistake because my body didn't want to take care of things naturally hence the surgery I had to have. I ended up losing 43% of my blood and quite a bit of my faith as well. I was terribly upset with God after that and at my wits end. I ended up having to see a therapist just to talk out my feelings. She suggested that we make a memorial of sorts for the baby since we didn't have anything to bury. The only thing I had bought for the baby was a onesie that we used to tell my parents we were going to have a baby. I asked my mom if I could have it back and I made this memorial for the baby.

I don't know for sure if the baby was in fact a boy...it was way to early to tell that, but when we had our ultrasound that showed the baby and we found out it wasn't growing anymore, in my heart of hearts I felt like we had lost a son. So we named him Brayden Anthony. It was on our list of boy names just like Owen Michael and Jackson Daniel. It was third on the list because it wasn't either of our favorites like Owen and Jack were, but now I must say I absolutely LOVE that name. That's the name of my baby boy that I won't get to meet on this side of heaven, but who I'm absolutely sure without a shadow of a doubt is worship in presence of our Lord right this moment. Oh how I yearn to hold you Brayden Anthony...my boy!!! Mommy misses you!