Waves!

Lately I have been doing okay...trying to get back to normal as best I can. Trying to just live my new life. Even though it's the same life I had before it feels different. I find myself having good days and bad days...like waves...ebbing and flowing.

I've seen my counselor once since the baby died and am going again this Friday. I'm so looking forward to it. I need that time to talk it out. Surprisingly the last time I met with her we didn't really talk about the miscarriage we talked more about the kids and their behavior and how I can work toward correctly behavioral issues. We did talk about it, but I think it was still a little to raw for me to really dive into it.

Physically I'm feeling fine. I had my follow up appt with the doctor last Friday and everything is healing great. I'm the exact same weight...I mean like to the ounce...as I was at my last appt when we found out there was no heartbeat. Thankfully my stomach is starting to get smaller so I don't have the visual reminder as much.

What I do find myself doing is forgetting...forgetting that I'm not pregnant. I seriously had completely planned my year in my mind around this baby. Knowing that come October there was going to be another member added to our family. Knowing that in September when MOPS starts again I was going to be HUGE. I was going to be doing the crafts and carrying in heavy boxes and probably needing help with them. Thinking that I might not actually be there for a certain craft because I might be in the hospital having the baby. Knowing that in November when we head down to OR for Thanksgiving we'd be bring a newborn with us. I forget...and then reality hits and it's like, "Oh yeah I'm not having a baby...that's awesome"...said with the biggest sarcastic voice you can muster.

Emotionally I've been more angry lately...not at God, not at the fact that my baby died, but just angry. If I had to put a finger on it I would say I was angry at myself. Angry that I'm impatient with my kids, angry that most days I don't feel like I have it all together, angry that I feel like I'm being selfish because in my mind I don't get enough "me" time, angry that I'm a procrastinator as some things, angry that sometimes I'd like to just get in the car and drive away, angry...angry...angry!

I know that that is just one of the 5 stages of grief...so far I have experienced all five - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance...but not in that order. Not sure if that means anything though!