There Will Be A Day With No More Tears!

Today has been a sad day at the Martin household. It started out good...got the kids up and they watched George before we headed out for my second Dr's appt. We picked up Ga-Ga downtown so she could watch the kids while I was in my appt. After waiting forever the Dr came in and we chatted for a bit and then it was time to listen to the heartbeat...there was none!

We went across the hall to confirm with an ultrasound and sure enough...there was a little baby in there, but no heart was beating. The baby measured around 10 weeks 4 days and I should be 13 weeks 3 days now. The Dr wanted me to go over to the Radiologist to get a more in-depth ultrasound to confirm absolutely that the baby had died.

I went out in the hallway where Ga-Ga was with the kids and just started crying. Then I called Michael so he could come meet us. My appt with the Radiologist was at 11:30 and they did confirm that the baby had died. Then it was back to the OBGYN's office to set up a D & C. I should be having one on Monday morning...still waiting for a call back though.

Tears have fallen today...I wanted this baby...I yearned for this baby, but inside I did know something was a little off. I'm not sure how or if I can explain it. I know that I brushed it off as my normal jitters that I feel since I have had a miscarriage before, but normally those jitters go away after I see the baby at the first ultrasound...these stuck around. I thought I was just letting the enemy get to me and I kept pushing them away, but I couldn't bring myself to write the baby's due date on the calendar. I'm still pretty much in shock and for me writing it out helps.

I'm mad at myself for telling the world and now having to "untell". I'm mad that my whole year was planned out and that baby was coming this fall and now that's all changed. I'm mad that my closet is full of maternity clothes that I was going to grow into and now I'm not. It's almost harder this time around the first miscarriage we didn't know what we were missing. We didn't know what it was like to hold a newborn that was ours and get to take it home and watch it grow and develop. This time around we do! I KNOW what I'm missing!

We were also very open with the kids. The boys especially were so excited...it was table conversation quite frequently. Now they know that the baby died and is in heaven. Their sweet innocence is so precious! I told Michael that if we do ever get pregnant again there will always be that feeling of a gap between Ella and the next...that known space where the 4th baby should have been, but isn't. My brain goes all over the place when I'm in shock.

The difference this time around is I'm not mad at God. When the Dr was trying to find the heartbeat I kept thinking, please God...please. Then after a minute or so later I thought, Your will...not mine! He has a plan to prosper me and not to hurt me. We live in a fallen world where sin, sickness and death run rampant, but There Will Be A Day With No More Tears!!! Oh I long for that day!