New Day!

Today is a new day...that sort of things happens you know. Life...it just keeps going and moving all around you. Yesterday I told my best friend Kim that it, "felt like the world was spinning around me". Like I'm here on my own little island standing still looking out at everything spinning endlessly. I haven't cried again since I talked to her on the phone. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

Last night I would say I was thoroughly depressed - didn't want to eat, but was craving all types of food - wanted to keep myself busy, but didn't want to go out - wanted to lay down, but knew I wouldn't sleep - had a headache, but the thought that I could take meds now made me mad - wanted to be with kids, but everything they did reminds me of the one lost.

I did go around and remove all signs of baby yesterday. It was something I just needed to do. Took the ultrasound picture off the frig and the mirror in my room. Threw the hospital handbook away that was in the dining room. Changed the blog header and my FB photo. Last night Jack kept bringing us The Berenstain Bear books that were all about Mama Bear having babies. I immediately told Michael to, "get those outta here!" This morning I noticed the wedge pillow my friend Jen lent me to use when my belly got bigger. I tucked that away in my closet. Oh my closet...not ready to face all the maternity clothes yet. Literally almost all my regular clothes are in a storage tub in the garage so I'll need to do it sometime soon, but not today.

I'm finding it hard to even look at myself. Seeing the little bump that just a day ago was a joyful thing now is just like getting slapped in the face with reed....it stings!

I have two babies in heaven now! It's really unfathomable that this is happening...again! I did refer to this baby as #4 even though we miscarried our first pregnancy - Brayden. I do have a hard time thinking of Brayden as being here. See if Brayden had been born then Owen could have never been and THAT is too much to bear! For me it's like we got a mulligan with having kids after we lost Brayden. After we lost Brayden I needed to get help so I went to a therapist and she suggested that naming the baby would give us closure. Kind of ironic that just last Friday (1 week ago) I started going back to the same therapist. I'm sure we'll name this baby too. I can't just call it "Baby #4 or it".

We are going to have testing done on the baby's tissue. I'm going to ask if they can find out the sex for me. I'm pretty sure it was a girl, but I'd like to be 100%. With Brayden I just had a feeling it was a boy so that's why we chose a boys name.

Today I'm going to keep myself busy...I feel like that's the best. I'm going to try to keep myself from getting another roaring headache. Life goes on...day by day...and this is just another one!